Wednesday, 7 October 2009

You Know your Sicilian When…..

Just thought I would add this on here as it cracks me up!! I am half Sicilian, so I can relate to all of it......................................................

You, your sister, your mother and grandmother has either Marie or Maria in her name.

Someone in your immediate family is named Joe or Frankie.

Your kitchen always smells like garlic.

When you think “New York New York” is the national anthem whether you live in New York or not.

There is always a Mary statue in the front and backyard of your grandmother's house with fresh flowers under it.

Sicilian sign language is learned from your father at a young age when someone cuts him off the road and you have to take the wheel because his arms are too busy making the letter "L" and his hand immediately swipes his chin followed by words you are required to know but never allowed to speak.

You get slapped upside the head when your father realizes you have learned Sicilian sign language.

You baptize your child and send him to catechism even though you only go to church on Christmas, baptisms, weddings, and funerals.

You have either a mother, aunt or grandmother who always wears black.

If your spouse dies then all clothes are thrown out and burned because your new wardrobe consists of 2 black dresses.
Someone in the community always has an ice-cream van.

You have a tomato garden in your backyard even if you live in an apartment building.

When you put ice on your cheeks to numb them because you are going to your aunts or grandmother's house.

When you trick or treat at your grandfathers you get a bag full of spare change instead of candy
You earned more money for your first communion then you do for the first 5 years of your adulthood on your job.
Every Saturday you have cold cut grinders and antipasto from the Italian deli.
You know what wine taste like when your 3

You aren't Sicilian if you haven't stained your feet purple by the time you are seven in your Nonnos/ Dads/ uncles wine vat.

If you are the oldest and a girl you are brought up in the family ways and get all the benefits of manhood until your brother comes along then you are to go to the kitchen.

Every female is called by their first and middle name.

You know your in trouble when you hear your full name being called.

Your given another name you are supposed to always know but it was given at your baptism and then never told to you.

When it is a Sunday and you can't enter the living room during football season because all children and women belong in the kitchen.

Missing church is a mortal sin and you're going to hell except during football season even though the game starts at 1:00pm and church starts at 9:00am and you are not a child or a woman.

A wooden spoon equals discipline, or you jump at the snap of the sound of a belt.

When your parents are planning your wedding the day you were born if you're a girl and you are expected to be married a virgin.

If you're a boy you're expected to get married not until your in your early 30's or if you do you have at least 3 godemoda on the side and it is excepted because he got married to young.

When you are 18 and you can't go out past 7 without a chaperon but your bother can have a an entourage of women in and out of his room as soon as he hits high school followed by "that's my boy".

When you are 14 and want to wear makeup and your mother says yes you can wear blush… and grabs your checks so hard they are going to rip off and says there look in the mirror you look so grown up.
When the boy you are in love with asks permission at 16 of your father to date you.

When your father tells him he'll break his legs if he touches you.

He finally gets over his fear and starts to date you at 23 but then suddenly stops calling you because he went from broken legs to death when your father found out.

Even when he has 6 inches on your dad and is 30 years younger but is still suddenly afraid and your not worth death.

When you family even remotely thinks you have lost your virginity then immediately a phone call is made and there is a knock on the door the next day by your boyfriend proposing to you but can't get on his knees because of some accident
"I Did it My Way" is the only advice you get when it comes to life and you have to learn it from the record player because it is another unwritten commandment and you know better.

When your brother loses his virginity and the family throws a party.

When you are 22 and you get to talk to a boy at a party you find your cousin or brother regardless if they are older or younger standing over your shoulder demanding his life history and his intensions.

When you do get to date he has to be approved by every male member of the family including your brother that is 4 years younger than you.

When you turn forty and you are finally old enough to decide who to date without permission of your father or any other male in the family.

When you drive by the corner and your cousin's friends see you coming a half a mile away and are already yelling for you to go home because girls are not aloud even though there are 10 girls there.

When you meet someone at a party and he is hitting on you like no tomorrow until he learns your last name then you get a hand shake and he disappears.

The only way to get a boy to date you is outside your city and lie about who your family is.

When concerning family business the phrase "stata zitta" is included in one of the Ten Commandments.

When it is the first thing you understand before yes or no.

You think your father is ill because Frank Sinatra isn't playing.

When you are a child you think that the smell of a cigar is men's cologne
When you are a child you think that perfume is the smell of tomato sauce or garlic.

Your Nonna tells you look sick because you are nothing but "skin and bones" regardless of your weight and the remedy is 5 bowls of pasta fagioli.

You are expected to you eat 5 servings of dinner at a relative house each sitting otherwise they think you don't like the cooking
A Sunday meal is eaten during football season at 10:30 and consists of 10 courses and must be eaten before 12:30.

You have ever used your head to point something out.

When the evil eye is a normal look by every female family member

When you never need to learn it because it is just is a gift with the coming of age and you suddenly learn how to kill someone without committing sin.

When something goes terribly wrong in your life and you seek your father's advice and he turns on the record player, walks away and "That's Life" starts to play.

You learn how to cast a curse before you learn how to pray.

An Italian horn around your neck is proper attire and is a requirement more important than even your pants

You've had your hair or ear pulled by your mother as a way of removing you when you're bad.

You know the sound of your father's whistle out of every other father in the neighborhood. When the street lights go on you expect that whistle and make it out when there are 10 others whistling at the same time.

If you are not home with in 1 minute after your father whistles a belt on the ass is waiting for you.

When you are 7 and have to sit at the window and watch the other children still playing after dusk when you are supposed to be sleeping.

When going on an errand for milk and bread with your Nonno really means a meeting in a very dark restaurant that is closed to the public and you have to sit by the window and eat all the candy he just bought you as a bribe to "stata zitta" and can only look out the window and not at who is in the room.

People tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking

Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you when you are right next to her.
The main event at a funeral is stuffing your face till you can't move and you go to an Irish funeral and can't understand where the food is and that it consists of liquid.....

Children are seen and not heard unless it is football season then they are only not heard but not seen or a belt waits for you at half time in the ass or if you are lucky your mother catches you by the ear and pulls you out in time.
When pasta is in some form of the meal and consists of 15 out of 21 meals of the week not including midnight snack.

If you have at least 25 cousins at least 3 of them are named Joe.

You can't leave a party without taking home 4 plates of food or you are insulting the hostess.

A new memorial day is created when a Godfather from one of the five families dies and is proceeded with black attire, masses said all day and night, and a million candles lit but when a Pope dies the sign of the cross is made and life goes on.

When you automatically make the sign of the cross when passing a Catholic Church or cemetery without even thinking.

When your family doesn't talk for 30 years because of a fight over who make better Canolli.

They are still holding the grudge even though they can't remember why they fought to begin with and refuse to attend their sibling's funeral

You know what it means when visitors are over and the door closes to the pallor.

When you know the song "Volare" isn't a theme song for a commercial for a car.

A midnight snack consists of Italian bread provolone cheese and pepperoni even when you are 5.

Your Nonna won't let you walk barefoot and makes you put on socks or slippers because you will get sick and die.

If you are caught without a jacket when you are little even in 70 degree weather, despite you are running around and you are immediately told to come in the house because you are going to catch death from a cold and die.

Eating together is an unwritten religious holiday.

When you are there if you don't light a candle to the Mary statue then your Nonna continuously tells you are going to hell.

When you are there if you don't participate in the procession of the Mary statue then some old timer is putting a curse on you and telling you repeatedly that you are excommunicated and shaming your Nonna who is next to them telling you the same thing grabbing her heart like she's dying.

The only way to rectify it is to see the priest, go to confession, saying 10 Hail Mary's and 3 Our Fathers and light 5 candles with a promise that you will help carry the statue in the next procession.

Then your grandmother realizes she is not dying and you are an angel sent from heaven ….....

until next year………

Saturday, 3 October 2009

I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN.......................

Ok, so it is stupid o clock in the morning, and I have just been ordered downstairs to make chocolate milk. I nearly trip over going into the kitchen, cos on the doormap is the local paper. I started to flick through, and  laughed and laughed some more at all the weird stuff that actually happens in my small town................................

The reason why I find it sooooooooooo funny, is that, due to the fact that it is such a small town, nothing, and I really mean nothing, goes un-noticed. We are part of a community network, where if you do something, at least 2 hours later the whole town knows your business. So, I feel, as the saying goes, 'you shouldn't shit on your own doorstep', not here anyway, cos you'll definately get caught! The paper is always full of 'top news stories' that are actually along the lines of, "cat goes missing", "couple celebrate 70 years together" or "how the school system is failing our children". So, to my suprise, and delight, this weeks edition was full of juicy crime stories. Now, I thought that the full moon was a couple of weeks ago, cos we really do usually get an unusual speight of crimes around a full moon.

There is a little bit of history behind my mirth. I was born and brought up in this town, and aside from a slight break to another town a few years back, I have always kind of been in the thick of it. People that do not come from here think it is a rough place to live and bring up your kids, but I think its ok, as I don't know any dfferent.

Last week, my husbands cousin came over to London from New Jersey, on a business trip. He came to visit us on the weekend. I was really intrigued about his life in America, and was asking him, "do people really walk around with guns, and is it really a scary place to live?". He started telling me, that he lives in the Suburbs and it is great, there are nice clean parks for the kids, everyone is friendly and the crime rate is quite low. That is not what we see on the news, I thought. We then took him around our Town to show him around a little. Well, as I said earlier, the things you get used to........................

We went to the park, with the kids, something we do nearly everyday. We walk past one of ny neighbours walking her dog and all say "hello". Pretty normal. We go inside, and my 4 year old heads straight for the climbing frame, and my 2 year old wants to go on the swings. Pretty normal. I could see that our cousin was feeling a little uneasy, and asked him "are you ok?". He replied "Should you really be taking the kids somewhere like this?". A little shocked, I asked "whats wrong with it? the kids are enjoying themselves".........................................

The response I got, took me aback, as I think I must walk around with blinkers all the time. My shock wasn't what our cousin had noticed, but what I hadn't. I hadn't noticed all the old rubbers on the floor, the used hyperdermic needles, old bits of burnt foil, my neighbour we had said hello to, walking her staff was smoking a spliff, the kids at the park were effing and blindin and shouting abuse at people walking their dogs in the woods. I hadn't noticed, because all that is pretty normal to me. I feel safe and secure in my small town, and for the first time had realised that 'outsiders' don't feel safe or maybe even comfortable here.

Below, I have included my top 3 'News Stories' from this weeks paper. It's not the actual 'crimes' that are funny, it the way they are told, it cracks me up. The 'pidgeon' one is my favourite! I have not included the mug shots, as I am sure its not allowed! You can find more of these by clicking on the link to the paper.

'Gunman' driven to despair by pigeons

By Court Reporter

ARMED police were scrambled to the streets of Harlow after reports of a barefoot gunman roaming the streets at 5am in the morning.
However, when they arrived they found not a desperate criminal, but 51-year-old Peter Banash who had been driven out of his mind by the constant noise of cooing pigeons.
Now Banash, of Holly Field, Harlow, whose behaviour was branded “idiotic” by a Judge at Chelmsford Crown Court yesterday (Tuesday, September 29) has had a 12 month community order imposed on him.
He has also been ordered to undergo an alcohol and mental health treatment after pleading guilty to possessing a prohibited imitation firearm on June 5 this year.
Imposing the orders, Judge David Turner told Banash: "Don't be foolish to have any weapons on you or in your home.
"Barefoot in the street near your home, you were frightening members of the public. You had already rang police yourself to say you were intending to do serious things."
Although the weapon was not "inherently dangerous," it was still prohibited and you were doing something very, very frightening."
However the judge said Banash had apologised and accepted he behaved in an inappropriate way.
He also said there was no evidence to suggest he presented any danger.
Having read psychiatric reports describing Banash's problems with anxiety and depressive disorder, Judge Turner warned him "not to use threats or violence" in future.
Banash’s counsel, Neil Fitzgibbon, said in mitigation that Banash had not slept for 72 hours and cooing pigeons had driven him to distraction.

Fresh appeal over triple stabbing

By Louise Sassoon

DETECTIVES have reissued an appeal for information over a triple stabbing which left a teenage girl fighting for her life.
The 16-year-old is still recovering in hospital after she and two 15-year-old girls were assaulted on Saturday, September 19.
The incident happened at about 10.30pm on steps leading down from Fourth Avenue, Harlow, to Sainsbury’s car park.
The victims, who all live in the area, were taken to hospital. The 15-year-olds were released after treatment while the 16-year-old remains in a serious, but stable condition.
Investigating officer, Detective Sergeant Jamie Gingell, said: “We want to hear from anyone who was in the area at the time and saw what happened at the scene of the incident.”
Anyone who can help should contact DS Gingell at Harlow CID on 0300 333 4444.
Eight girls were arrested in connection with the incident. Seven have been released on police bail until January 25 pending further inquiries while one was released without charge.

Teenage terror hit with ASBO for year of harrassment

By Chris Moss

A TEENAGER from Harlow has been hit with an ASBO after embarking on a year-long campaign of hell-raising and harassment in their local community.
Rory Brytz (17, pictured right), of Tany’s Dell, was handed the anti-social behaviour order following a two-hour hearing at Harlow Magistrates’ Court today (Friday, September 25).
Magistrates came to their decision after hearing Brytz had “exposed the local residents to an extreme level of anti-social behaviour” over the past year.
Brytz, who celebrates his eighteenth birthday in two weeks time, is now forbidden from entering the area bordered by First Avenue, Mistley Road, Mowbray Road, Howard Way, Minchen Road and Mardyke Road – encompassing The Stow, Great Plumtree, Dovehouse Croft and Orchard Croft - for a period of two years.
He cannot interfere with, damage or attempt to damage any property without the express consent of the owners of that property, or incite or encourage any other person to do so.
He is also prohibited from using or encouraging others to use foul, abusive, insulting, threatening or intimidating language or behaviour in any public place within the Harlow district for the same period of time.
Speaking after the hearing, Sgt Lewis Basford, the area’s neighbourhood specialist officer, said Essex Police and Harlow Council had exhausted all possible police measures to resolve the issues and felt that an ASBO was the only way to deal with Brytz.
“Over the last 12 months we have used two dispersal orders around The Stow which have only relieved the issues for the community for a short period of time,” he said.
“Brytz was also subject to an Acceptable Behaviour Contract but the conditions were broken through his behaviour within the Stow.
He warned: “This application should be noted by the community that Essex Police and Harlow Community Safety Enforcement Team will not tolerate this disruption of the lives of our local residents and business retailers.
“Using Anti-Social Behaviour legislation Essex Police will move forward to combat any similar behaviour in Harlow.”

Friday, 2 October 2009

Now thats what I call BRATITUDE..........

Why, oh why, did I agree to let my 4 year old watch "Bratz:The Movie"?

One of thems got blue hair- "Mummy can I have blue hair", and one of thems got her belly button pierced- "Mummy can I get an earring in my belly button". Err WTF???

I have now got a real life walking, Talking Brat- with Bratitude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope this wears off soon, as I have got little patience. She has already stripped off, taken her arms out of the sleeves of her vest, so she can wear a "boob tube". Err WTF???

I think I will have to sit her down and have a chat, in her new language, just so she understands me............
"Heres the dealio, don't get your knickers in a twist, but you sound seriously stupid, its over with a capital over. My bad." I think that should do it!! Ha Ha!

She now knows how to pause, rewind and play Sky+, so not only have we just listened to the songs aout 50 times each, she has now perfected her posing, pouting and is saying "Your not my BFF anymore", to a very bemused 2 year old brother. Err WTF???

She is now walking around singing songs titled:

"Gonna flaunt it"
"Gotta make you want it"
"Can't stop this feeling"
"You won't get no sleep tonight"

Err WTF???

and saying:

"Don't get your knickers in a twist,"
"BFF" (Best Friends Forever),
"Don't lose your passion for fashion,"
 "You're seriously stupid,"
 "She's hot,"
"That's just awesome,"
 "My bad," 
"You stupid cheerleader," 
 "Princess perfect," 
 "Are you kidding me?" 
 "Me likey,"
"It's over with a capital over," 
"Here's the dealio"

It has to end soon.........................Watch this space....................

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Poppin to Tescos, is like going to therapy.................................

Just got back from Tesco, and for the first time all day I have got a smile on my face, that I just can't shake off! There are certain times in your life, when you might be feelin a bit down, or are just having an off day, when someone elses misfortune makes you realise your day/ life isn't actually that bad!

I live in a very 'nice' part of Essex, and apart from all the 'special' people that live here, there always seems to be that rare few that seemed to have bypassed my radar for 'extra specialness'. You think you know people, but sometimes they have a way of suprising you!! ha!ha!

Tesco is not my shop of choice, it's food seletion is far inferior to Sainsburys or Marks and Spencer, but seeing as I can't afford Marks and Sparks at the mo, and 4 girls were stabbed in Sainsburys last Saturday, Tescos it is! I only popped out to get some bread and milk, but am still laughing at the 'drama' that unfolded.

I was doing my usual walking round, looking at everyone, thinking "I wonder if their together", or "is that her Dad or her fella?", or "With shoes like that, I wonder what colour pants he's wearing", when just around the 'dairy ailse' there was a scene straight out of "Jeremy Kyle"!!!!

Me being me, I decided to hover around the fresh cream section, reading the 'recipie ideas' on a carton of Baileys Cream. There was a toddler in a buggy just left in the middle of the aisle, and two kids looking at the floor or their shoes. All I could hear was "you whore", "you fat bitch", "you wanna sort out your kid, otherwise I'll kick your f***ing head in". Then it dawned on me, it was end of school time. The local school is just opposite, so there were loads of Mums with kids in tow, buying the family meal of nuggets and chips.

I went to walk off, thinking that was the end of it. Then kind of just made it past before they started pulling each others hair!! I decided then that I needed to re-read the 'recipe ideas' on that Baileys cream again! Anyway, to cut a long story short, the hair pulling progressed into a full blown fight! In the middle of Tesco! With someones hair extensions in a pile on the floor.

By the time 2 really dumpy, and slow, security guards ran over shouting on walkie talkies "front door, back door" it was full blown rolling around on the floor. By this time, myself and everyone in the 'Dairy Ailse' were now pretending we'd only just noticed! I carefully went to put back the Baileys Cream and walk off without being noticed, while the women were being pulled apart. I then made my way really fast to the 'Bakery Ailse'. I was half laughing all the way round, I paid for my stuff, made to walk out, and noticed that one of the "fighting mums" was my neighbour!

I'm still laughing now, cos as I'm writing this I can see her in her garden smoking, and ranting down her mobile...................... I don't think she knows I saw her!

I am not on a Diet, I am eating Healthy..............................Some of my recipies.

Just thought I would post, as I just joined the blog group 'blog to lose'. Please find below some of my recipies and food ideas, if anybody would like to share their ideas, recipies I would be grateful x

Butternut Sqaush & Cauliflower Soup
1 x Butternut sqaush
1/2 Cauliflower
1 small potatoe
3 tomatoes
1 stick of celery
1 onion
1 vegetable stock cube
500ml water
salt & pepper to taste

Cut and peel all the vegetables, preferably into roughly 2cm cubes. Add all ingredients to a large pan. Boil on a hob untill all ingredients are tender. Use a hand blender to liquify, re- heat on the hob and it is ready!

It is very filling & will keep in the fridge for 2 days- can also be frozen, but may seperate.

Asparagus, Pea & Mint Soup
Bunch of fresh Asparagus, trimmed and sliced
1 x Cup of fresh, frozen or tinned peas
Bunch of fresh Mint, roughly chopped
1 x Vegetable stock Cube
500ml water
Salt & Pepper to taste

Add all ingredients to a large pan. Boil on a hob untill all ingredients are tender. Use a hand blender to liquify, re- heat on the hob and it is read
It is very filling & will keep in the fridge for 2 days- can also be frozen, but may seperate.

Savoury Rice
2 x cups of Basmati rice rinsed & drained
4 x cups of water
1 small onion diced
1/2 cup sweetcorn (tinned, fresh or frozen)
1/2 cup of peas (tinned, fresh or frozen)
1 x vegetable stock cube
1 x pepper (any colour) diced
3-4 mushrooms diced
soya sauce to taste
salt & pepper to taste
spray olive oil

Heat small amount (approx 3-4 sprays) of spray oil in a wok/ heavy based pan on a high hob setting. Add the onions, and cook untill transparent. Fry off the peppers and mushrooms, and add the rinsed and drained rice, and stir untill the rice is coated in the oil. Add the water and a stock cube. Bring to the boil, and add all the other ingredients. Place a lid on the pan, and turn the hob down to low. Leave for about 10 mins. Do not stir or open, as the closed lid will steam the rice. Once the rice has doubled in size and is soft, you can stir and serve.

Tip: Use a big pan, as the rice will double in size once cooked.

Low Fat Chicken Curry
2 x Chicken Breasts- diced
1 large tub of low fat natural yogurt
1 tablespoon of mint sauce
Thinly cut fresh ginger
Thinly cut fresh garlic clove
1 tablespoon of Cumin seeds
1 tablespoon of Coriander Powder
1 tablespoon of Garam Masala
1 Red Chilli
Juice of 1 lemon
Fresh Coriander-chopped
Salt & Pepper to taste
Spray Olive Oil

Heat the spray oil on a medium heat, in a wok or heay based pan, and add the coriander seeds. Fry these untill they make a popping sound. Add the ginger, garlic, chilli, coriander powder and garam masala, and continue to fry untill golden. Add the diced chicken breast, and cook for about 10 minutes, continually stirring. Add the low fat natural yogurt, lemon juice, mint sauce, salt & pepper and cook on a low heat for another 15-20 mins. Check the chicken is cooked through and leave to cool down, before adding the fresh coriander to garnish.

Love, Love, Love "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

If anybody else on here is a fan, they might be able to help me out- I want the book 'Cop without a Badge' ha ha! That Danielle, not liking her at all, but is that clever editing or is she really so in love with herself that there's no room for outside attention??? Still unsure on this one. Totally mad about Teresa & those kiddies though ( or munchkins as her Hubby calls them!). She is a real life walking, talking Barbie doll airhead, but you can't help but love her- she's got so much money though, it definately doesn't account for taste ha ha! This week, she bought herself some new boobies, so she could look better in her 50,000 plus bikinis- bless her!!! Was in hysterics last night, while watching Tuesdays episode on Sky+. They previewed next weeks episode, and it looks like we are in for a treat, a big Bitch Fest- can't wait.

There were 4 in the bed.....................................

So, once again woken up with stiff neck, sore back & generally aching all over! Couldn't wait to write my first blog, but aside from having a 5 year sleep deficit (THANKS KIDS XXX), I am now getting less sleep a night than my friend and her newborn baby! Decided to go to bed and read 'The Other Boleyn Girl' by Phillipa Gregory for about the 55th time, but got so into it, reality hit at 2am in the form of "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy" from a distance......... Went to see to my 2 year old, who was now saying "I go your bed, I go your bed, I go your bed"- yes, he really does say everything in 3's!!! So, me being so tired, just hauled him up, and plonked him next to a snoring hubby. Ahhh sleep..........Zzzzzzzzzzzz. At approx 2.15am, I feel a tapping on my shoulder- my 4 year old needs a wee. So I get up, take her to the loo (wiv my eyes still closed), sit on the bath waiting for her to finish, and she goes silently into my room and gets in my bed. As sleep is calling me, I just get in next to her and try to get comfy......... which is impossible. My son wants the covers up to his neck, and my daughter is hot. She kicks the covers off. They are both in the middle of the bed, so a kicking, shouting, slapping fest starts............... me & hubby calm it down, and re-position the kids so they are not touching, resulting in me & hubby actually sleeping on the bedside cabinets whilst the kids are sprawled out. We repeat this at least 6 or 7 times and then the alarm goes off...................... so here I am, eyes just about able to focus on the screen! As I am completely new to this, thought I will have a look around the website and then get back to you......... wish me luck